More vintage ugly

We're playing a waiting game with Momma right now.  I can't sew.  I can't settle to much of anything.  I've been praying nonstop for 24 hours because what we need now is a miracle because she's gone from bad to worse and the doctors don't think she'll make it through the night.  And it's not the cancer that's killing her.  So this is my distraction.  I need it right now, and I hunted out the patterns soon after the first batch.

A few years ago, Gertie had a vintage ugly contest that I don't think anyone ever won.  And it it, she cited a pattern that I couldn't help remembering--Apron Chaps.  So does anyone need a pair of eyelet, lace-edged chaps to protect your totally 70s looks?

What about a flower dress complete with petals and petal hats?  (And yes, I realize that this one is not irredeemable!)  Or is it not groovy enough for you?  (60s!)

How about a round, toddler-yoke dress or tunic from I believe the 80s?

Or a mumu to go over your long-sleeved blouses and pants?  It's not labeled as a maternity pattern, but I swear that this 70s pattern should be!

I have this pattern somewhere.  McCalls 2386.  Fifties, I think.  Does your toddler need jodhpurs? 

Or your baby girl need an appliqued smock that doubles as a dress?  (I have this one in two sizes)

Sorry I didn't rotate this one.  It's fifties Advance.... and the dress doesn't fasten in the back.  While I've had discussions with my sisters on the joys of ruffle butt panties when you're little, I don't think I'd ever make a dress on purpose to show them off...

How about dress your baby like Barbie, complete with daisy duke length circle skirt and belly shirt?  (late 80s-early90s)

I don't know what it is about this 80s knit pattern that makes me go ick.  Really, I don't.  Other than the fact that it's some of the worst casual clothes of my childhood on one envelope...

This 90s McCalls pattern reminds me of a clown suit.  And while I don't have this particular one, I have at least five similar ones in my four boxes of patterns I'm going to get rid of.

And speaking of clowns, doesn't that collar scream that it belongs on a clown suit?

And I swear that the little girl on the right of this Butterick pattern is trying not to complain about the giant collar and bow her mother stuck her with. (90s, I think)

And speaking of giant sized collars, what was it with sailor collars down to your navel that pattern companies loved in the 90s?

And one more awful sailor--the little girl in the picturefrom this seventies pattern (not the illustrated one!) is obviously complaining about the fact that they put her in something that was meant for a boy, while her brother next to her wonders why he got the shortie one.

And this little boy in this 80s Simplicity is turning bright red from the embarrassment of being forced to wear what are obviously girl overalls!

I admit it.  I have something of an obsession with this 40s pattern.  I don't have it, but I'd like to.  It cracks me up, though, that both the little boy baby and the little boy toddler have flower and vine embroidered jammies.

Does this make my butt look big?

(And I've made every single view of this pattern.  Every.  Single.  View.)

Did you know that knitting patterns came in ugly, too?  What is it about underwear patterns that they're always awkward and ugly? (20s, BTW)

And now we get into the category of 50s random animal appliques.  Bunny knee patches anyone?

Or how about elephant embroidery ones or teddy bear bows? Don't forget the Tyrolean strap on the back of the overalls.

How about a bib or three from a mail order pattern that tie completely around the body?

Or a Mail Order pattern apron that is a skirted kitty?

Lamb appliqued overall shorts with bulls eyes on the hips!

How about the aforementioned decapitated animal head pockets?

And one last decapitated head for good measure--McCalls this time instead of mail order. 
















Thanks Simple Simon, for being my distraction tonight as I wait for news and pray that it's good.